One week later and it is still…STASSI’S BIRTHDAY! At Bar Esquina, Katie has just left the dinner table in tears after fighting with Schwartz.
This drama is detracting from everyone else lavishing attention on the birthday girl and boy, is she pissed.
“This should’ve been simple. You sit down at a birthday dinner, you tell me how great I am…but instead, I can’t even order my food right now because Katie is making it all about herself. Seriously, this is unacceptable!” says the Princess.
(Why can’t she order her food?)
Kristen goes to comfort Katie. Stassi goes to yell at Katie. Katie cries.
Back at the table, Jax says, “This is just not normal. This is not normal!” Ummm which part? Katie’s refusal to fix her orange hair color? Stassi’s insistence that her puppets bow down and lick her feet on her birthday? Or the fact that everyone hates Scheana, yet we are still supposed to buy the fact that she got invited to Cabo with them?
Stassi lets Katie have it and Katie just kind of takes it.
As Katie tries to hide from everyone, Schwartz finds her. He apologizes and says that he just wants Katie to be happy tonight. Yuck. Why is he with her? They make up.
Stassi has retreated to her suite and given up on having a fun birthday. That ship has sailed and it was steered by Captain Katie.
Scheana and Kristen literally drag Stassi out of bed and convince her to rally. The girls (including Katie) go for a midnight dip in the pool with some cockies.
The boys party at the bar. Because he is a glutton for punishment, Jax decides to go check on Stassi in the pool.
He pulls her away to the shallow end and decides to gauge the situation- Stassi is topless, drunk, and feeling a little down on her birthday. Ripe for the picking!
Unfortunately, Stassi has a scheme of her own. She tries to manipulate the truth about Tom and Ariana out of Jax. If you recall, Jax told Stassi that Tom and Ariana hooked up…but has since denied saying that.
“I told you because you’re my girlfriend at the time and I shared things with you,” said Jax. So it’s true!
Holy shit. I knew Ariana was throwing shade. I KNEW IT. Let’s see them try to weasel out of it again. JUST TRY. Can’t get anything past Detective Stassi.
All of this could have been avoided if Kristen would simply buy this and then we’ll know the truth once and for all!
Stassi tells the girls what Jax told her. Scheana doesn’t believe it. Kristen believes it. “Part of me has been waiting for this confirmation,” Kristen says.
“Can I have the bottle of tequila?” she asks and proceeds to pound half the bottle. OUCH that’s gonna hurt tomorrow.
Morning is here, and I’m frankly surprised that Kristen didn’t go bang on Tom’s door and confront him last night. Don’t worry, Scheana will let Tom know that you know.
Scheana goes to the boys’ room and tells them that Jax spilled some secrets last night. “No I didn’t,” he lies through his teeth.
“Jax had no problem shoving a grenade up my ass when it came to the gang-banging joke I made, so I have no problem shoving a grenade up his,” says Scheana.
(Anyone else think that Scheana looks worlds better without any makeup on? She’s so fresh-faced and chipmunk-like in the morning, I almost like her now!)
Anyway, hearing that Jax has told Stassi that he and Ariana hooked up has scared the living bejeezus out of Tom, but he’s trying to play it cool and act like Jax is lying. Unfortunately, the fear is written all over his face.
Jax says, oh hey, maybe I took what I heard six months ago out of context. Sure. Because hearing Tom say “Yo, dude, I banged Ariana last night” can be taken out of context.
Everyone meets for breakfast and Kristen immediately confronts Jax. He issues the same denial he just gave- all he heard were “rumors” and he’s “not sure.” What a clown.
Why doesn’t Tom just man up and admit it? I’m guessing because he and Ariana have made a pact that they must always deny, deny, deny, no matter what. Tom’s only mistake was bragging to Jax about it.
Tom continues denying it to Kristen, who cries that now she’s going to have to find another person to marry. Indeed.
(Funniest part of the episode- Scheana and Shay approach the group by the pool and see that there’s a big argument going on so they immediately start walking backwards away from everyone.)
After Kristen has chain-smoked enough cigs to get up her nerve, she calls Lisa to tell her that she can’t work with Ariana anymore.
Says Lisa, “Is Kristen out of her mind giving me an ultimatum???” She tells Kristen they will discuss it when she gets back.
Kristen decides to drink heavily and avoid Tom as everyone boards a pirate ship for a booze cruise minus the cruise part (too windy). Kristen shows Katie how you have a good time and support your friend, even when you want to curl up in a ball and die.
“I think Kristen’s spirit animal is Dory from Finding Nemo. She can only focus on what’s in her field of vision. If It’s Tom, then she’s pissed…if it’s shots, then she’s happy,” says Katie.
It is at this point that Jax decides to try to board the boat with seven chicks he found in the hotel lobby. He claims he found them “in the gym,” but I’m gonna go ahead and say that I don’t think that was true.
Stassi freaks out and tells Jax to get them off her boat, or actually, Jax can just leave and the ladies can stay. They all leave and the rest of the group plays Spin the Bottle. (Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz have to kiss each other twice.)
At SUR, Lisa and Guillermo have a chat with Ariana. They offer her the chance to go back and work at Villa Blanca so she can avoid Kristen. Ariana says, “Nope.” Sorry, Kristen!
At night, Jax again tries to show up with chicks at the bar. Stassi tells him to get lost. He leaves. I think he’s really annoying and dumb, but I still feel a little bad for him.
Buzzkill Katie brings Kristen into the bathroom at the bar to remind her that she still has to break up with Tom tomorrow.
The next morning, Stassi goes to wake up Katie and Kristen but Kristen isn’t in her bed…she’s in Tom’s bed.
This does not sit well with Katie and Stassi. “Seriously? Like, seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?” says Stassi. “I’m done.”
Kristen admits that she does feel weak for going back to Tom, but it wasn’t really a thought-out decision.
Stassi says that she no longer respects Kristen so she can’t be friends with her anymore.
Next week: Shay proposes to Scheana, and Kristen confronts Ariana yet again.
So does ANYONE out there still believe that Tom and Ariana didn’t hook up?