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Chase makes strides with JoJo while Chad makes strides with absolutely no one as he gets violent.
I always get a little weary looking ahead at these “Two Night Bachelorette Event!” weeks.
Four hours? Really? Must I?
But then the first episode starts and it’s clear that YES. I want this. Is four hours enough of The Chad? (That’s what I feel like he should be called.)
Here are 10 Things You Need to Know from last night’s episode of The Bachelorette…
10. The guys are still obsessing over Chad, while Chad is still obsessing over lifting and calories. “What’s 260 + 280?” he asks, before coming to the conclusion that duh it’s 550.
9. Chase (My Numero Uno Pick) gets the first 1-on-1 date. They do some weird yoga involving throwing a pretend temper tantrum, which the instructor calls an “anger-gasm.” Then they have to do very intimate poses that result in JoJo mounting Chase and having to basically stare at him one centimeter away from his face without kissing him. And he is hot. They last about a minute and then have a pretty amazing first kiss. In the evening portion, Chase reveals his sob story (child of divorce) and JoJo feels like they connect. They have a private concert by someone I’ve never heard of (Charles Kelly?) and it’s clear that Chase is a smitten kitten.
8. Okay, I have a gripe here. The Bachelorette producers are recycling storylines. First we have this awkward sexual yoga thing which I’m pretty sure they already did on either The Bachelor or Bachelor in Paradise. Someone help me out and remind me when they did it. And now they are trying to sell us on a bromance between Chad and Daniel? Again, this ALREADY HAPPENED LAST TIME. On Kaitlyn’s season. With those two guys. J.J. and Clint. (I cheated and looked it up.)
7. The Group Date is for Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad. When the names on the date card are read, Chad initially says he doesn’t want to go because there are too many guys. This starts a polite discussion between Chad and the rest of the guys about how Chad is dumb, Chad isn’t here for JoJo if he doesn’t want to spend all the time with her that he can, and how Chad is dumb. Names like “p*ssy” get tossed around, there are pretend-fights about to start, and it’s clear that it’s Chad v. Everyone Else (But Mostly Alex, Jordan, and Evan). And Daniel doesn’t even stick up for him! Jordan’s hair fluff is wildly out of control during this confrontation, BTW.
6. I guess Chad changed his mind because he arrives at the theater for the date. They are seated in the audience when a woman comes on stage. Literally. Yes, a woman stands there making noises that, according to Vinny, he has never heard before. It’s called an orgasm, Vinny. (That comment had to be editing, right?!) So the guys will be going on stage telling their personal sex stories. Oh and I should note that Evan thinks he has this group date in the bag because he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist. What could possibly go wrong?
5. Everyone’s performances were amusing. And then it’s Evan’s turn, who takes this opportunity to rip into Chad for the dangers of using steroids. It’s kind of lame, but the guys in the house love it because it’s…ripping on Chad! Chad no likey. Chad rips Evan’s shirt when he walks by him on the way back to his seat (JoJo takes note) and then threatens him backstage. In Chad’s performance, he attempts to make a statement by calling JoJo up to the stage and kissing her in front of everyone else. And she turns her face, so he gets cheek. Ouch.
4. During the nighttime part of the date, Evan tells JoJo that if Chad stays, then he (Evan) is leaving. So basically he threatens JoJo that she better kick Chad off, but yet he gives JoJo no reasoning other than “he acts two different ways.” Tell her the whole freaking story, because right now you just sound like a little brat.
3. Apparently not knowing why Evan hates Chad doesn’t matter to JoJo, who, in a surprise move gives Evan the Group Date Rose. I did not see that one coming. I thought she pulled him aside to dump him! Chad can’t contain his disbelief when Evan returns with the rose on his lapel. “Is this reality?” he asks JoJo. JoJo tells him to stop being disrespectful, but why doesn’t she just send him home? Chad fumes that “Girls never pick guys like Evan for anything, except maybe to sweep their front yard.” Yes, I constantly am on the lookout for nice guys with wavy locks of hair to sweep my front yard. At least Chad has his finger on the pulse of the modern housewife.
2. The next day, the fellas have requested a security guard follow Chad around in order to protect them. James T. goes on his 1-on-1 with JoJo and it’s an old-timey dance lesson. They have fun, they like each other, blah blah blah let’s get back to the Chad drams.
1. Chris Harrison announces that there’s no cocktail party, but rather an all-day pool party with JoJo. Evan runs outside after Chris to tattle on Evan and try to get him kicked off. Chris confronts Chad and tells him he has to go handle the situation (but he doesn’t have to leave). Chad’s idea of handling it, though, is making me a little worried.
TO BE CONTINUED…tonight!
Images courtesy of ABC.