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The twentieth (!) season of The Bachelor kicks off with some familiar faces. Who will catch Ben’s eye on the first night?
I guess they are running out of eligible ladies dumb enough to think this show will actually work to find them a husband, because two former contestants are back to vy for Ben’s heart.
Yes, that’s right…runner-up Becca Tilley from Farmer Chris’ season begged her way onto this season, too. In case you missed last season, Becca is a virgin. Or was? (Not to be confused with the other virgin from Chris’ season, Ashley I.)
In any event, Becca probably still is a virgin but I’m sure she will tell us. #cantwait
Amber from that season (and from Bachelor in Paradise) is also here but makes less of an impact.
Let’s get started on our journey, shall we?
Ben’s hometown montage is predictable. He was the football, basketball, blah blah blah star. He drives us by his elementary school, the movie theater where he had his first kiss, and his high school.
We meet his happily married parents. Ben sheds a tear when he brings up his “I’m unlovable” moment from The Bachelorette. Ugh. Shut up.
Ben gets some “helpful advice” from who he calls “America’s three most favorite Bachelors,” Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe, and Jason Mesnick with a frighteningly receding hairline. I beg to differ with Ben’s characterization. I would suggest that these three doofuses are America’s three least favorite Bachelors.
I mean, we have:
- Dude who picked a girl, dumped her in After the Final Rose, and then took the runner-up home,
- Dude who got engaged then broke up with her within a few months, AND
- Sean Lowe.
Do the opposite of what they are telling you: Follow your heart! Be direct! Avoid Chris Harrison’s friendship gestures at all costs!
Now we get to meet some of the ladies in the pre-season montages…
Lauren B. is a flighty flight attendant. Her friends like to drink and make hashtag jokes.
Jubilee is an Afghanistan vet on a mission to win Ben’s heart.
Mandi is a weird dentist from Portland. After five seconds of watching her, I have decided I would never let her and her dentist tools in my mouth.
And here are the Las Vegas twins, Haley and Emily! Woo hoo! They are 22, blonde, and
really smart totes dumb.
Amanda is 25 with a baby voice AND two actual babies (3 and 2 years old).
Tiara has babies, too. Chicken babies. Her title is “Chicken Enthusiast” and she sleeps with a chicken in her bed. #nuffsaid
In the words of Simon Cowell…
Okay, early favorite alert: SAMANTHA! She has a sob story (don’t we all?), but she seems legit. Top 5, fo sho.
So those were just the early intros. Now it’s time for Ben to arrive at the mansion and seriously meet the ladies as they step out of the limos…
Lauren B. made a good first impression. Seemed normal.
Caila awkwardly jumped on Ben. #byefelicia
Jennifer is tall and “stunning,” according to Ben. She is also boring.
Jami is a Canadian bartender who claims to know Kaitlyn and makes a penis joke. Love it.
Samantha (my early fave!) has a raspy voice and just passed the bar exam! “Boxers or legal briefs?” is her line. LOVE!
Jubilee is nervous and doesn’t wear underwear.
Amanda with the breathy voice seems dumb.
Lace tells Ben to close his eyes and then plants a kiss on him. “I wanted the fist kiss!” she says. #bitch
Lauren R. says she has stalked Ben over social media for the past two months so she has an unfair advantage.
Shushanna speaks in a different language but Ben is intrigued.
Leah brings a football for an “I knew you were a catch!” stunt intro.
Joelle (JoJo) wears a unicorn head for her meeting with Ben.
Lauren H. has a Chicago accent and is awkward. She seems like an SNL character played by Kristen Wiig.
Laura is a very pretty ginge who goes by “Red Velvet.”
Mandi the weird dentist arrives with a weirder flower-topper for her head.
Haley & Emily are twins. “It’s confusing, right?!” they giggle. Ummm, not really. You’re twins. We have all encountered a set or two in our lives.
Maegan is a cowgirl who brings along a miniature horse. She seems manly but friendly.
Breanna is a nutritional therapist. She brings bread to smash because she hates gluten.
Isabel (Izzy) wore pajamas in order to find out if Ben was “the onesie” for her. #illpass
Rachel shows up on a hoverboard. Aren’t they supposed to blow up?
Jessica gets a big hug and says, “I’m just so happy that it’s you!” (Are they not aware when they sign up of which gentleman they will be instantly falling in love with??)
Tiara the Chicken Enthusiast has arrived. She does not mention her chicken love, which just may save her ’til the next round.
Lauren (LB) is not impressive.
Jackie thinks this is “insane.” She brings Ben a “Save the Date” card for their faux wedding which will never happen because he is just not feelin’ it.
If Olivia had brought the Save the Date, maybe Ben would’ve been more enthused. Clearly, he likes blondes with dimples and huge boobs.
Bet you thought we were done with the ladies, right? So did Ben. Stay tuned!
He goes into the house to speak with the ladies. During his initial speech, the creepy dentist Mandi steals him away for a quick plaque exam. #notcreepy
Lace is quickly getting drunk and quickly becoming the most obnoxious and forward “lady” here.
Olivia gave up a totally amazing job to be here with Ben. Just so you know.
Speaking of things that are totally amazing (NOT!), Becca and Amber from Farmer Chris’s season show up. Because, why not?
The ladies are less than thrilled. I mean, how does one compete with an already-famous, gorgeous virgin? And Amber. But will Ben let them stay?! #unknown
Sidenote: Ben didn’t appear to know who Amber was. Also awkward.
Drunk Lace gets Ben alone and awkwardly asks for another kiss. Ben babbles his way out of it before Weird Dentist Mandi steals him away. #savedbythebell
Ben feels the need to go back and apologize for the non-kiss, but really, do yourself a favor and cut Lace loose now.
Anywho, Ben likes Lauren B. and Olivia.
Olivia with her blonde hair and her big boobs (probably fake) gets the First Impression Rose. All the girls are like, “Wah!” Except Lace. Lace is angry and her words are slurry.
AND IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Ben gives roses to: Lauren B., LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Shushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Olivia, Samantha, and…
Good grief. Do the producers make them keep the crazy ones on purpose. I’m gonna go with a hard “yes.”
Is there anything more disappointing than being sent home on the first night? Red Velvet seems okay with it. “Believe it or not, some people aren’t into redheads!” she says.
Despite the fact that she got a rose, Lace accosts Ben for not looking at her enough. Ben is thinking, Is it too late for me to take the rose back?
“I have a feeling the drama is just getting started,” says Ben.
The scenes for the upcoming season have all the same old shit…crying girls, crying Ben, accusations of a girl not being truthful, and plenty of making out.
Early picks to win Ben’s heart? Leave your guess in the comments.