Okay, first things first. New taglines, with my grade in parentheses after:
- Tamra: I’m not getting older, I’m just getting bolder. (A-)
- Vicki: I make my own rules, so don’t expect me to follow yours. (A)
- Lizzie: Standing out is much more important than fitting in. (B)
- Shannon: The O.C. is full of secrets, but I have nothing to hide. (C)
- Heather: You may think I have it all, but I am just getting started. (C-)
Heather and Terry are designing their dream
home estate. It will take two years to build, mainly because it is the size of my entire street block. Some of the features of the house: a motorcade(?), a Scooby-Doo hidden door for Max, eight bedrooms, thirteen bathrooms, and a beauty salon room for Heather.
I don’t know why Heather called it a motorcade. Later she calls it by the correct name, a portico-chere.
While building, they are staying in a rental home that is too close for comfort for Terry. He can’t wait to be back in a huge mansion where no one can find each other and the kids have no neighbors.
This segment kind of made me hate Heather because I’m so jealous of this house, but at least it reaffirms my stance that Heather belongs on RHOBH with people like Camille and Lisa.
Over in the poorer section of Orange County, Tamra and Eddie’s new gym is breaking even after being in business for nine months. Eddie teaches the group fitness classes for Cut Fitness, while Tamra oversees her son Ryan and buys the gym’s apple juice. I know that’s what I always crave after a workout…APPLE JUICE!
In Vicki News, Vicki is lonely now that Briana and the psycho have moved out. She has taken in a stray named David. David works at the insurance company with her and also stays at her house 1-2 nights a week. David looks to be about 25. This situation is not weird at all. Nope!
Regarding Brooks, Vicki gives us the same old story from last season. She says he wants her to forgive him for his disgusting comments, but that she doesn’t know where they are headed.
Tamra and Heather go for a hike and discuss how they have not seen or heard from Gretchen. Heather says that she likes Gretchen, but she’s just not in her immediate circle anymore. Tamra bitches about how Gretchen never got her a wedding gift, which is probably good since her bachelorette gift was plastic Gretchen Christine luggage.
“Gretchen is a narcissistic compulsive liar that is basically dead to me,” says Tamra.
Heather got a part on Hawaii Five-0. Tamra wants to go along to the shoot and they decide to invite Vicki, too. Tamra tells Heather that Vicki’s divorce has been finalized and they both agree that she is probably still secretly dating Brooks.
Vicki visits Briana at her condo. Briana is pregnant again and moving to Oklahoma with Ryan and the baby. In her confessional, Vicki describes her relationship with Briana as “rock-solid,” while Briana describes it as “a mess.”
Heather’s builder takes her to look at a home that has certain features that Heather is interested in. What a coincidence…it’s the home of new Housewife Shannon Beador!
Shannon gives us the grand tour of her house and we learn a little bit about her, namely that she’s slightly insane. When her baby nurse told her that she had never seen twins not like each other like Shannon’s twins, Shannon had a DNA test done. (They’re both hers.)
Shannon is big on not having unused space, which totally jives with having both a Catering Kitchen and a Family Kitchen. She is also big on being green- no chemicals, no wireless, no fiberglass.
Vicki and Tamra get on the plane to meet Heather in Hawaii. They make plans to get Fancy Pants (Heather) drunk.
Heather gets her makeup done on the set. She is playing the part of a woman who gets beat up. Heather decides after she is all set with the fake blood dripping down her face that it’s the perfect time to do a video call with Collette. That won’t give her nightmares.
Back to Shannon: three daughters, married to husband David for 13 years. She makes it sound like their marriage is boring. David snacks before dinner and it drives her crazy. David sets the silverware out backwards. Wah wah!
Vicki, Tamra, and Heather get together for dinner in Hawaii. They discuss what they should do in Hawaii. Rent a Jeep? Go surfing? Heather immediately vetoes surfing.
“Heather doesn’t want to surf because she’s never done it before and she’s afraid to step out of her perfect little Chanel box,” says Tamra.
The next day, they lounge on the beach and Tamra tries desperately to get Heather up on a surfboard. She enlists the help of a surf instructor. Heather to Surf Instructor: “That looks like a Rasta hat. Are you on the pot?”
Update: my two-year-old just popped in the room to tell me “That looks like Mommy!” when Tamra was on the TV screen. Ummm thanks.
Heather finally agrees to try surfing, but only in knee deep water. Wouldn’t you know, Heather is the best surfer of all three of them?!
“I think Heather surfs all the time. I think she’s been surfing her whole life and she just wanted to pretend like she’s never surfed before,” says Vicki.
Time for a Jeep excursrion! News flash: Heather is a backseat driver and a worrywart. She is getting on Vicki’s nerves. Like Heather said in her confessional, 1-on-1 she is fine with Vicki and/or Tamra. But when it’s the three of them together, she will always be the odd man out.
Both Vicki and Heather think that the other one always has to be right.
Shannon visits her Energy Medicine Specialist, which she does 3x a week. Her belly button communicates to the healer that she has emotional problems. Not joking, that’s what the guy said.
On the Hawaii excursion, Heather and Tamra are afraid to bring up Brooks. They finally do bring him up at dinner, after a rousing discussion of what temperature wine should be stored at.
Unfortunately, we don’t get to hear Vicki’s answer to “So if you are happy, where does Brooks fall into all this?” The episode ends on that MAJOR cliffhanger. And no mention of the other new Housewife, Lizzie!
This season: the ladies go to Bali, Vicki visits Oklahoma, Heather is accused of being condescending, Vicki is accused of drinking too much, and there is an explosive fight at a dinner party involving Shannon, Lizzie, and Heather crying.
Sooo, what did everyone think? Are you surprised at all this hating on Heather?
Photos courtesy of NBCUniversal.