Guilty Pleasures TV

Love Bites: Vanderpump Rules Recap

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It’s Gay Pride time at SUR and James and Lala are heating up. But is she the one who gives James bite marks all over his back?

Vanderpump Rules - Season 4

The SURvers are PUMPed for the annual Gay Pride Parade! (Did you see what I did there? SUR? Pump? Get it?)

Lisa Vanderpump has promised to give equal attention to both SUR and Pump, but really, we know that all restaurants get about 1/8 of the attention that Giggy does.

Jax is feeling philosophical after watching a TV show about a girl who has five days left to live. He asks Scheana what she would do if she were in that situation. Scheana would go to Egypt. Travel. See the world.

Want to know what Jax would do? He would kill people, starting with James. My guess is that next up would be Stassi and then probably Kristen.

Scheana informs Jax that Shay will be coming to the Gay Pride party, but he is only allowed to have a few drinks…because Scheana would literally die if she had to be married to a sober person. Her words, not mine.

James, who does not yet know that as Target #1 on Jax’s Hit List that his days are numbered, wastes some time pretending that Lala has a good singing voice. They “lay tracks” or whatever it is DJs and aspiring songstresses like Kesha do. Then they make out.

(Sidenote: Does Scheana still sing? No? Shocker.)

FYI, James wants Lala to bite him when they are getting it on. Lala isn’t sure she’s into all of James’ “kinkiness,” but she’ll consider it if he quits acting like a teenage girl every time he opens his mouth. (Related: is biting really all that kinky?)

Shay and the Toms try Afro-Brazilian-dance-fighting. You know, to get Shay sober and whatnot. Seems to be helping, as I did not see him try to drink or take a pill while in the studio. (Although he does disappear into the parking lot to “puke.”)

I don’t normally like Tom Sandoval, but damn he had some nice moves– especially that one-handed one! You go, Ariana!

Scheana gets a new license with her married name, while Shay discusses the progress(?) he has made with his marriage. He supposedly speaks his mind now, but somehow I doubt that anyone other than solely Scheana is calling all the shots.

“It sucks because she has something to hold over my head now,” says Shay. Yes, typically that’s how it goes when you’ve been keeping your addiction a secret from your wife since before you were even married. Them’s the breaks.

Gay Pride has arrived at Pump and SUR!

James arrives late for his DJ gig at Pump with scratches and bite marks all over his back and arms…but not from Lala.

So WHO are they from???

Super-sleuth Ken comes over to Lisa and informs her that James got the marks from another hostess at SUR named Lauren. This shouldn’t cause any problems, right?

Not like Lala would even care, because she’s busy trying to get with a wasted, pretending-to-be-single Jax. But then…stupid James comes into SUR and Lala sees his scratches and actually does care. AND the dumb girl who gave James the marks is just standing there giggling. 

Jax drops a glass behind the bar as he’s insulting patrons who want (God forbid) a cocktail.

Shay hangs out but doesn’t get wasted.

Kristen, of course, shows up even though she isn’t friends with any of them nor is she dating James. Or Tom. Or Jax. And speaking of addiction, Kristen needs help for her SUR addiction.

Meanwhile, Lala is taking advice about James from Lauren (the girl who banged James). Lauren’s advice? Don’t ask who he slept with. Just let it go. And definitely DON’T ASK WHO IT WAS. 

After the gang is done working, they gather in the parking lot. James tries again to get in Lala’s good graces. He finally confesses that he banged Lauren. SAY WHAT?!?! 

Lala goes on a rampage looking for Lauren, who all of a sudden doesn’t want to be on camera. She hides in the bathroom while Lala goes to find Lauren’s boyfriend and tell him that his girlfriend boned James last night.

And then Lala leaves with Jax. Because she’s smart.

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