I’d like to start this recap out with a special shout-out to my in-laws who had to suffer through watching Bachelor in Paradise since I am staying at their beach house for the next three weeks.
It was highly embarrassing and I had to preface the show with such descriptive adjectives as “cheesy” and “silly.”
But I didn’t mean it, Bachelor in Paradise! You may be cheesy and silly, but I love you. This summer has been amazing.
Without further adieu, here are the 10 “highlights” (or just things that bothered me) from last night’s Bachelor in Paradise…
10. Well that was an unlikely pairing of Ashley I. and Joe trying to console each other. Scratch that. Joe was not really interested in consoling anyone. More like desperately trying to find someone he could talk to and try to pretend he’s a human being again.
9. “I knew he was going to ruin me.” –Ashley I., about Jared. But who ruined your fake nails???
8. What is all this about “deserving” to find love? Why does Juelia deserve to find love? Because she didn’t listen to the 68 people who told her Joe was bad news? I think it’s hysterical that all of a sudden Juelia is into Mikey, sitting on his lap, and kissing him on the plane. Talk about a showmance.
7. Is it me or is Tanner deceivingly tall? His on-camera time made me think he was a shorty. But then you see him towering over Jared and you’re like hmmm.
6. So Joe is trying to threaten Samantha into staying with him? Her options seemed to be: A) she gets engaged to him and has all of his psycho-babies or B) he…makes her disappear? I will ask again– how did Joe get pass the background checks?
5. Why did Carly get so excited by the “date” that Kirk set up for her? Her reaction when she saw the fishing poles and the cooler: “Are you freaking kidding me?!” But she said it with glee. I would’ve said the same thing when I saw the fishing poles, but with a much different inflection…more like “Are you freaking kidding me?! Fishing for a date?”
4. Do we think that Juelia and Mikey slept together? I do. Her bedhead was screaming “I just had sex with Mikey. Twice.”
3. So…Samantha’s gonna say yes to Justin but no to Nick? WTF.
2. Wait, now Dan likes Sam, too? Is it the hair? Why is everyone infatuated with her? She seems to be a boring, manipulative b**** who doesn’t know how to be a good friend. Maybe she’ll get better as the season progresses. One can hope.
1. Ben H. for The Bachelor? Really? Boring. I’d like to propose a new reality show called Almost (the) Bachelors starring two guys that almost scored the gig as being the Bachelor but ultimately lost out– Nick Viall and Arie Luyendyk. Ratings gold.