Guilty Pleasures TV

He’s Just Not That Into You: Bachelor in Paradise Recap

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Before we get into the highlights from the first part of the Bachelor in Paradise finale, let us pause to remember that at the end of Paradise, you don’t win money. You don’t win fame. All you win is love.

And by love I mean a relationship based on lust, beer goggles, and the unrealistic high of living life on a tropical island for six weeks. Just wait til Tenley goes to visit Joshua and sees that he has a messy apartment and probably doesn’t clean his toilet. 

It’s just not reality. But I digress. It’s still fun television entertainment and I, for one, am sad that it will be ending tonight.

Here are the Top 10 Highlights from Bachelor in Paradise last night…

10. “Do you want to go sit on the bed?” –Jared’s pickup line to Ashley. With lines like those, is it any surprise that they didn’t seal the deal? These two are just too awkward.

9. Juelia must just be really, really bad at reading guys’ signals. First she was clueless as to Joe’s blatant disinterest in her. Now she can’t figure out that her and Mikey were just friends? Even I knew that. Mikey coming back was such a longshot. NO WAY were they going to be a couple. That was too forced. 

8. Cassandra showed up in the last week? And she has one day to find love, convince herself that it’s real, and make a promise to Justin to continue the relationship outside of Paradise? Sounds legit.

7. What’s with Jaclyn’s extreme side hair part? Maybe she could give her date card to a hairstylist. Shout-out to the production staff for including a clip of Nick winning Bachelor Pad back in the day. That was the BEST win EVER.

6. “He’s way shorter than her…and flats for life is not my thing.” –Jaclyn, about Justin and Cassandra. #zing

5. I’m guessing that Ashley I.’s meltdowns go something like this: Cry. Rip a fake nail off. Cry some more. Rip another nail or two off. Cry. Nail. Cry. Nail. Until her face is all puffy and her fake nails are all gone.

4. Question: Is it still called a “breakup” if there was never actually a “relationship,” Ashley I.?

3. Oh God. Carly broke out into song after the Rose Ceremony. Like no. No wonder Kirk had that look on his face like “Yeah, this ain’t happenin’.”

2. “You know when you’re laying in bed with someone and you still feel alone?” –Kirk. Ummm….no, I do not. That is a red flag, my friend.

1. Some thoughts on The Kirkly Breakup: You can’t fault Kirk for not being in love with Carly. You can fault Kirk for not telling her sooner. Also, is it possible that Jade was more upset about this than Carly was? 

So…I’m guessing this means Jade and Tanner get engaged? Stay tuned for the second half of the finale tonight!

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