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Grading the Cast of Vanderpump Rules

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Grading the Cast of Vanderpump Rules

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The third season of Vanderpump Rules has come to a close, with the exception of what promises to be an explosive Reunion airing tonight and next week.

And now it’s time for the waitresses, waiters, busboys, bartenders, and hangers-on of Lisa Vanderpump’s sexiest restaurant to face a yearly performance review. By me. 

Here’s how the SUR staff fared under my watchful eye…

Katie: A. I couldn’t stand Katie last season, but the Katie of Season 3 ditched Stassi, found her voice, and quit the whining. Also, her hair went back to brown. She wins Season 3, hands down. Bonus points for calling Tom out on his “ring on a string” gift.

Stassi: C+. Speak of the she-devil, Stassi went from my fave to my most hated. Stassi went to New York, met a guy, fell in love, and then returned to L.A. feeling oh-so-mature and above her old SUR crew. The problem? She simply isn’t mature. In fact, she’s jobless, drinks all day, packed on some pounds, and has lame fashion sense for someone who is supposedly a “fashion blogger.” Still, she gets points for some awesome zings in her confessionals…like when she called Scheana a mix between a gypsy and an American girl doll.

Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Scheana: A. Another one I couldn’t stand last season. This season was really all about Scheana and her impending wedding and she actually wasn’t annoying. She initiated reconciliations with people (Katie and Kristen), effortlessly dealt with Kristen’s meddling in her BFF Ariana’s relationship, AND managed not to get hurt for the entire season. (See: foot injury and tooth injury of seasons past.)

Ariana: D. Sorry, y’all. It seems everyone I talk to loves Ariana, but she just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like she tries too hard to be “the cool girlfriend.” Also, what is up with that deep side part? Is she balding on top? It looks like she has a combover half the time. Seeing her and Tom’s sickeningly sweet relationship makes me want to barf. #1, he probably definitely cheated on her in Miami and #2, they’re still in the honeymoon phase. It only goes downhill from here, girlfriend!

Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Kristen: F. I bet you thought that since I hate Ariana, I would be a Kristen-lover. Well, you’re wrong. I felt bad for Kristen last season, because I thought she took more of the heat for the sleeping with Jax scandal than she deserved. This season, however, Kristen was just indefensible. She is flat-out insane. Batshit crazy. Psycho ex-girlfriend to the max, and it’s all caught on camera. The worst part about Kristen is that she does not understand that she is in the wrong. She is delusional…always harping about not wanting to be seen as a liar, when in reality, no one nowhere is talking about Kristen or calling her a liar. She just has an addiction to Tom and will insert herself into his life however she can. Also, James is too good for her. 

Vail: C. I bet the producers thought they had struck gold when they found Vail– a hot, blonde, Princeton grad turned soap actress who for some inane reason wanted to work at SUR. The potential was there, but unfortunately, Vail was a dud. She couldn’t even make out with Jax. Or Peter. She was just a big tease– to them and to this season. Lame!

Peter: D. Speaking of lame, let’s talk about Peter. I used to think he was hot, until my friends corrected me and told me that Peter is a dirty old pirate. They were indeed correct. Peter struck out this season, big time. Arrrrgh!

 Jax: B-. Jax slithered around from girl to girl…from Tiffany to Carmen to Vail to Carmen…he tried to stick it in to every one. Including an ugly chick in San Diego (says the two Toms). At least Jax provided us with entertainment, though. You never knew what the actual truth was, because Jax told so many different versions of it. And what about the revelation that Jax may or may not have had a gay relationship with his “friend” John in Miami back in the day?! But the best Jax moment came when he exploded at Kristen at the end of the season, telling her, “They’re still not going to like you, no matter what!” #Truth

Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Tom Sandoval: C+. Do I think Tom cheated on Ariana with the Miami chick? Absolutely. But Tom gets major points for having to deal with psycho stalker Kristen everywhere he turns. Still, he loses points for being too cheesy with Ariana (“Whenever I want to take a vacation I just stare into Ariana’s eyes”) and for bawling like a baby to Kristen in Miami. 

Tom Schwartz: B-. I think Tom Schwartz is generally a good guy. He seems to be really trying to make it work with Katie. He saw a therapist, attempted to give her a ring (albeit on a string), and confessed his 

James: B. Every time it seems like James has finally had it with Kristen’s obsession with Tom, he wusses out and stays with her. But I still like James. He’s young, he’s hot, and isn’t ashamed to be a busboy. Here’s hoping his strong work ethic will pay off and he’ll make it out of SUR sooner rather than later. 

Lisa: A. She fired Kristen! Need I say more? Also, she makes me laugh every time she told an employee to keep the drama out of SUR. Lisa, if they did that, there wouldn’t be a show. Still, Lisa can do no wrong and she certainly knows how to treat her employees well! How is she always getting them hotel upgrades when they go on vacation?!

Images courtesy of Bravo.

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