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Dueling Date Cards: Bachelor in Paradise Recap

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It’s hard to come up with ten highlights (or lowlights) of these Monday night eps of Bachelor in Paradise. The real meat happens in the two-hour Sunday night shows.

Still, we did get some fresh meat and new couplings. 

Here are the Top 10 Highlights from last night’s Bachelor in Paradise

10. First, can we clear up the fact that peeing on someone’s leg for a jellyfish sting is NOT an effective treatment? That is a myth. So let’s just stop with that. It’s gross. Use these instead.

9. “I’m ready to hang out with someone who’s not weird.” –Nick, about Ashley S. Poor Nick tells us that ever since his date, people have assumed he is “with” Ashley. As a result, he hears the complaints when Ashley is being weird and trying to put red lipstick on people in the middle of the night. But hey, #WWJD? Right, Ashley?

8. Here is what I think about Mackenzie: Mackenzie is very young and very annoying. There is no way she is ready for marriage, let alone a serious relationship, let alone even a normal conversation not about aliens with a member of the opposite sex. She seems more suited for like The Real World or something. Road Rules? Do they still do those shows? 

7. Wait. People are fighting over Justin? He has the haircut of boys that I used to have crushes on in the early 90s. And zero personality, from what I can tell.

6. Regarding Jaclyn, is she just here to get on TV? I loved the romper she was wearing but it was a bit too short for her and I wasn’t digging her hair. Gotta love her, though, especially for her hilarious tweets

5. What is with Jade’s white cover-up? It’s f—ing ugly. I’m guessing that’s her “just in case I get married on the beach” outfit. 

4. “I think I gotta find someone to divorce us tomorrow.” –Justin. I take back what I said about him having zero personality. His post-wedding zings were kinda funny.

3. Ashley I. is taking Jared on an overnight? There are like five million things wrong with this scenario. 

  • Ashley totes cheated by bullying Chris Harrison into giving her a date card. An overnight date card.
  • Jaclyn was just about to close the deal with Jared for her own date when Ashley barged in.
  • You don’t lose your virginity on national television. 
  • With a guy who doesn’t even like you. Seriously, have you seen Jared’s facial expressions? His vibe towards Ashley could best be described as…indifferent.
  • FIX YOUR GODDAMN FAKE NAILS, GIRLFRIEND!

2. Jared said, “at the end of the day” no less than four times in the first ten minutes of After Paradise. And that is the point at which I stopped watching. That phrase drives me up a wall almost as much as the misuse of the word “literally” does.

1. Regarding the previews for next week, WHO GETS ENGAGED? Who has her nails painted blue? Carly, I would assume. Right?! Jade and Tanner split?! I. Can’t. Wait.

Time to go search for some spoilers online…

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