Guilty Pleasures TV

Dear Jared: Bachelor in Paradise Recap

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dear jared

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Hide yer liquor, hide yer sex partners…Chris Bukowski is arriving in Paradise tonight!

Let the record show that this is the fifth TV show that Chris has appeared on in recent years. We have two seasons of The Bachelorette (well, one and almost a second) plus Bachelor Pad and last year’s Bachelor in Paradise.

In unrelated news, I miss J.J. Do you?

Here are the Top 10 Highlights (a.k.a. lowlights) of Bachelor in Paradise last night…

10. Justin who? Who is he again? He was on The Bachelorette? I’ve never heard him speak before in my life. Bachelor in Paradise= where non-descript cast members of The Bachelor/ette go to die find love.

9. Remember when Joe used to be awkward? His awkward turtle joke didn’t help matters. 

8. Chris Bukowski…where do I begin? Such a storied past for this one. Which makes him perfect for Paradise. “Once the sun goes down is when Bukowski comes out.” I do like his style, though– casual, fun, drinks all day. Why was everyone on his case about the date card? Let the boy ask when he’s ready to ask. Also, I love how Joe seems like a catch when Bukowski shows up. 

7. OMG. Dan is such a little heartbreaker! First Ashley S. and now Amber?! Starting to think Dan might be a tad picky.

6. Statement necklaces are over, right? Can someone tell Ashley I.? That statement necklace was taking over her entire shirt. 


5. Speaking of Ashley, can she go one week with a full set of fake nails staying on her hands? No? Okay. Just wondering.

4. Am I in an alternate universe? Sam is interested in Joe again? I thought maybe it was a trick at the beginning of the episode when she took him back. It’s not? It is? #confused #heissogross

3. Jared was lying through his teeth when he agreed that he was happy to have another week with Ashley I. He must also be a resident of this alternate universe where Sam still likes Joe.

2. Oh, I GET IT. Sam was pretending to like Joe all week just so he would stop freaking bothering her. Then she dumped him at the rose ceremony and was done with it. Boom. Only thing I would’ve done differently is avoided him before he left. That was quite the risk, taking a walk in the dark with an Angry Joe. Still, well played, missy. Well played.

1. And finally, I am formally requesting a TV show that is just Jared reading off notes that Ashley I. has written him. Can we make this happen, ABC? It will be almost as low-budget as The Bachelorette was this season. You could even film it in Utah at that hotel where Kaitlyn met her suitors’ families. 

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