Ahhh, the frenemy. That woman who talks smack about the brownies you made for the bake sale and then pretends like she’s your BFF in the carpool line.
So what do you do when your little angel gets invited to her little monster’s birthday party? Why you smile sweetly, RSVP “yes,” and give her kid one of these eight annoying birthday gifts, of course!
1. Ball popper. I let my kids walk around with the ball popper at Target, but it always remains on that section of the checkout lane where you toss all the crap you’re pretending to buy your kids. Because there’s no way in hell it’s coming home with us.
2. A set of paints and paintbrushes. Seems innocent enough, right? They’re art supplies! They boost creativity! You know what else they do? Make a mess of my table. They require bowls of water, a separate waterproof tablecloth, smocks…I have a headache just thinking about it.
3. Balls. Kids love balls. Balls love to break things. Like my window. Yet even though I have made a “no balls in the house” rule, they still sneak inside. All. The. Time.
4. Any outdoor toy in the winter. My brother-in-law gave my one-year-old a Home Depot “My First Garden Set” for Christmas. It comes with a toy lawn mower, rake, and shovels. Gee thanks. What the heck are we going to do with this for five months?
5. A yo-yo. “Mo-ommmmmmm! How do I do this thing?!” (Followed by tears of frustration.)
6. A pet. It would be difficult to get away with giving someone else’s child a pet like a hamster or a lizard. But a harmless old goldfish? Totally believable that you meant it as an exciting present for the child. In reality, it’s smelly and it will die in about two months, leaving your frenemy to scramble to replace it.
7. A giant bucket full of candy. Guaranteed to produce both the excited sugar rush and the ensuing meltdown twenty minutes later.
8. A 500 piece puzzle, preferably one that looks really cool and will have the child dying to start it. He will, of course, need loads of adult help to even finish one corner of the puzzle.