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I feel the need to dispense some love advice to Ashley I.
We’ve all been there. Lovesick over a guy who wants nothing to do with us.
Only…we weren’t on national TV and living through it in front of millions of viewers. I feel for ya, Ashley.
(My husband dumped me four times before I finally convinced him we needed to get back together and get married. Not joking.)
But girlfriend needs to up her game and realize what Nick so kindly tried to tell her last night on Bachelor in Paradise. This Jared thing? Not gonna happen.
Not now, not ever.
5 Tips for Ashley I.
1. Ditch the friendship with Jared. Immediately. You cannot be friends with a guy when you are trying to get over him. It just does not work that way. Cease contact with Jared. I don’t care how much you think you’re best friends with him. He’s just trying to be nice when in fact he is hindering your steps to move on.
2. Lose the V-card. Maybe not with Daniel, but I hear Wells is coming into town and judging by the previews, you two may hit it off. He seems like an excellent candidate for your first time.
3. Make a list of all the bad things about Jared. I’ll start. He is boring. He has a wonky tooth. He finds Caila interesting. His hairstyle needs an update. His facial hair is weird. He seems like he would be an awful dancer. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
4. Stop crying. This may be the hardest to do, but it will help you the most. You’ve wasted enough tears on little Mr. Haibon who is not even worth it. Adopt an “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude to everything in your life. Jared’s dating Caila now and they’re riding horses on the beach? I don’t give a f*ck. Two of your press-on nails fell off and your manicure is all messed up? I don’t give a f*ck. The only person left to take on a date is Daniel? I don’t give a f*ck. Maybe Canadians are good in bed.
5. Volunteer. Take your mind off your heartache by doing good for others. Stop doing all the Bachelor events and seeing the same people over and over. Step out of your comfort zone and help others. Go to a senior citizen center. Work with underprivileged children. Walk dogs at an animal shelter. If you’re pressed for time, here’s a really quick and easy way to make a difference. Post a selfie of you with a piece of fruit or a veggie with the hashtag #DrinkGoodDoGood. Naked Juice will donate ten pounds of produce to people living in food deserts.
Ashley I., even though you can be really annoying, you have grown on me since first meeting you on Chris’s season of The Bachelor.
In (sort of) the words of Gretchen Weiner, “Stop trying to make
fetch Jared happen.”