Guilty Pleasures TV

Sex, Lies, and Videotape: Bachelor in Paradise Recap

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I’m going to make a bold statement here…three hours of Paradise per week is NOT ENOUGH. That’s right, I said it.

I used to complain whenever The Bachelor or Bachelorette had those two episode weeks, but Bachelor in Paradise is way freaking better! 

People who had virtually no presence on Bachelor/ette come to Paradise and are the center of attention. Like Samantha. Or Dan. Or Joe. Love it.

(Confession: I don’t always watch the After Paradise show that comes on after the show. Sometimes it’s lame. Sometimes it’s okay. Also I don’t want to hear any spoilers about how the couples end up from current cast members appearing on the show.)

Here are the Top 10 Highlights from last night’s Bachelor in Paradise

10. Ewww, Samantha is such a b**** for dismissing Juelia’s attempts to help her! Her and Joe totally deserve each other. Weirdos. Can’t Chris Harrison kick them off just for being a**holes?! Seeing them hump in the sand is something I can’t unsee. And the way they schemed when they didn’t know they were being filmed?!

9. It’s about time Jared stopped defending Joe. How could he really still be saying “I love Joe” and “Joe is the best” after all that has happened? #getaclue

8. Heartbroken Ashley S. is so sad. Even sadder was how excited she got for Amber to show up in Paradise…right before she asked Dan out on a date.

7. I loved the Juelia/Ashley S. bonding sesh. Too bad one of them doesn’t have a rose to give the other.

6. Ummm ew. Bird dookie in your hand is not cool. The appropriate response is not to smile and coo “Yeah!” #Dandodgedabullet

5. Day-um Dan cleans up nice! Why is he so hot and where did he come from? I have zero recollection of him from Desiree’s season. 

4. You could not pay me to let crabs crawl on my arm. Especially those big crabs that “smile” at you.

3. “What planet am I on where I would come into Paradise thinking that I like J.J. better than Joe right now?” –Jared. 

2. “I’m gonna make him look like the hillbilly he is.” –J.J., regarding Joe. Well, do it already! Really, does Joe’s accent seem fake to anyone else?? His whole persona is so totally Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Except Joe’s not as smooth. 

1. The previews for the rest of the season look INSANE! Do Jade and Tanner break up? Kirk and Carly? Joe and Samantha? Nick Peterson makes an appearance! And Jaclyn! Does Ashley I. lose her virginity?

I CAN’T WAIT!

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